


He is Half My Soul, as the Poets Say

by marvelstanxx



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholism, Alternate Universe TFA, Canon-Typical Violence, Howard is a good person, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18578872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelstanxx/pseuds/marvelstanxx
Summary: Bucky ran to the side of the train, reaching for Steve’s hand. “Hang on! Grab my hand!” He inched along the railing, making his way closer. Steve stretched out his hand as the metal that was supporting his weight failed. Time slowed to a complete stop as Bucky watched his best friend and companion fall into the ravine.-Alternate Universe TFA where Steve falls into the ravine instead of Bucky. Tags will be added as I post more chapters.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm really happy to be sharing this. i've been working on it since december :) i wanted to get it going and get a couple chapters finished before i posted so i wouldn't lose inspiration. i'll post the chapters i have written, but expect slow updates after that because i am extremely busy. i hope everyone enjoys it! please leave comments and kudos down below and let me know what you think :))))

The Howling Commandos looked out on the train tracks, praying that their next mission would go smoothly. Everyone was busy doing their part, but Steve and Bucky were standing, looking over the ravine.

 

“Remember when I made you ride the cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky reminisced.

 

“Yeah, and I threw up?”

 

“This isn’t payback, is it?”

 

Steve laughed, shoulders hunched over. It was the purest sound Bucky had heard in months. He would do anything to hear Steve laugh more often. “Now why would I do that?”

 

Gabe Jones’ voice broke them out of their fantasy of simpler times. “We were right. Dr. Zola’s on the train. Hydra dispatcher gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever he’s going, they must need him bad.”

 

“Alright, we’ve got about a ten second window. You miss that window, we’re bugs on a windshield.” Steve latched the trolley to the cable, and stepped off the ravine, sliding down and landing on the fast-moving train. Bucky was close behind him, followed by Gabe. The three of them ran the length of the train until they found a door that took them inside. Gabe kept watch outside while Bucky followed Steve into the train. When they entered, they saw shelves upon shelves, no doubt holding weapons of an unimaginable sort. Steve noticed an open door, which led to another carriage. Steve walked through the door, gun at the ready. Bucky started following him, but not before he checked behind him to see if anyone had sneaked up behind them. He then heard the door close, blocking him from Steve.

 

_Shit._

 

Bucky looked through the door to see Steve’s panicked face. He saw Steve’s eyes widen right before he heard the gunshots. He immediately cocked his gun and started shooting, praying he and Steve would make it out of this. A loud blast made his way to his ears, and he turned back to try and look through the window, but ducked as his enemy kept shooting at him. From the split second of action he saw, he could see Steve is fighting a man in metal armor. He was holding some sort of sonic cannon. A shrill voice came over the speakers. “Stop him. Fire again.” _Zola._ Bucky swore that if he hurt Steve, he would rip Zola apart limb from limb. Bucky quickly moved to the other side of the cabin, ducking down to avoid getting shot. He kept firing back with his pistol, which eventually ran out of bullets. Soon after, Steve opened the door and threw Bucky his pistol. Steve then ran and pushed a container sitting on a shelf towards the man shooting at them. He jumped out of the way, which put him directly in line with Bucky’s gun. Bucky shot him point-blank, and watched him crumple to the ground.

 

“I had him on the ropes,” Bucky said, remembering when Steve would say that after every time Bucky would save him from some back-alley smackdown.

“I know you did.”

 

Steve heard the sound of a gun charging up behind them. Steve threw Bucky behind him and his shield and shouted, “Get down!”

 

The blast knocked both men off their feet, blowing a hole in the side of the train in the process. Zola’s voice came over the speakers once more. “Fire again! Kill him, now!”

 

Steve stood up, still disoriented from the blast. He looked behind him to see Bucky still on the ground, groaning. He grabbed the shield and his gun, shooting the man in front of him, but to no avail. Regular bullets did nothing to penetrate the man’s armor. The man blasted him again, this time throwing Steve off the train. He managed to grab on to a piece of metal, and held on for dear life. Bucky’s heart stopped as he yelled, “Steve!” Still in pain from the earlier blast, he got up and threw the shield at the man, knocking him back.

 

Bucky ran to the side of the train, reaching for Steve’s hand. “Hang on! Grab my hand!” He inched along the railing, making his way closer. Steve stretched out his hand as the metal that was supporting his weight failed. Time slowed to a complete stop as Bucky watched his best friend and companion fall into the ravine. His screams and the terrified look on Steve’s face would forever haunt his nightmares. Bucky’s entire life, his only reason for living, fell and would never come back. As much as he wished to die along with him, he knew he had to live. He knew he had to make Zola pay for killing his Steve.

 

He took Steve’s shield and made his way to the front of the train, where Gabe was holding Zola prisoner. He walked in, tears streaming down his face and murder in his eyes. Gabe heard his footsteps, and turned to him with a smile. “Hey, Sarge. We got him! I can’t believe we-”

 

Bucky ignored Gabe, pushing past him and pinning Zola to the wall with his hands around his neck. “Do you know what you’ve done?” Bucky yelled. He squeezed Zola’s neck tighter, shaking from rage. “Huh? I asked you a question! _Do you know what you’ve done?_ You just killed Captain _fucking_ America! But you have a bigger problem  than that. See, I don’t give a shit about Captain America. You also killed Steve Rogers. And _that_ is what makes me angry. You killed my best fucking friend, so now I’m gonna keep my promise to myself and rip you limb from limb.”

 

“Bucky, stop!” Gabe shouted from behind him. He tried futilely to pull Bucky away from the scientist. “We can’t kill him, he’s a prisoner of war.”

 

“Prisoner of war, my ass. The government can have him, but only after I’ve had my piece.”

 

All of a sudden, he felt a needle prick his neck. He let go of Zola’s neck as he turned to look at Gabe. His vision went blurry and he felt like throwing up. “What did- what did you do?”

“You’re out of control, Sarge. I’m sorry.” Bucky stumbled forwards and Gabe caught him, gently lowering him to the ground.

 

“Don’t touch m- don’t touch me. Let me kill him. Let me kill him. He deser- he deserves to die for killing Stevie. For killing Stevie.” Gabe’s face was the last thing he saw before his vision faded to darkness. 


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Bucky opened his eyes, he closed them again, dreading the bright light that invaded his vision. When he decided to just get it over with and suffer, he opened his eyes and sat up. He felt absolutely  _ horrendous _ . His head was pounding as fast as his heart was beating, and he felt as if he could throw up at any given moment. 

 

_ Why was I asleep on the floor? _

 

He looked around and found the empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table.  _ Oh. That’s why. _

 

He tried to stand up, but collapsed back on the couch. His head exploded with pain as the grandfather clock behind him signified that it was ten in the morning. Slowly, very slowly, he stood up and stumbled his way into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of Quaff-Aid pills from the cabinet, and took two of them. They were never effective, but he figured if he kept trying they would work eventually. He sat down on the couch with a large glass of water and tried to get the thoughts in his head organized. He couldn’t remember why he had drank until the point of passing out, but he didn’t really need a reason anymore, did he? As he put his glass down, his eyes fell upon a picture that was standing on the coffee table. It was Steve and Bucky, laughing in front of the Stark Expo display the night before he was deployed. Bucky would do anything to go back there right now. He grabbed the picture, tears forming in his eyes. He missed Steve so damn much, and some days it hurt more than others. Sometimes, he misses his time with Steve and the Commandos. Even though it wasn’t easy-going, and they did a lot of horrible things, he misses it. He misses the adrenaline, the thrill of the chase, of bringing down HYDRA. He mostly misses Steve though. He put the picture back on the table as someone knocked on his front door, reminding him that the pills really are worth shit. Bucky ignored the knocks, hoping the person at the door would give up.

 

Despite his hope, the person at the door kept knocking. He put the picture down and got up, mumbling something or other about how people don’t know when to give up. He opened the front door, not even hesitating to look at the woman in front of him before sneering, “Look, it’s ten in the morning and I have the biggest goddamn hangover so can you just tell me what you want and le-”

 

He stopped and looked at the woman in front of him. The blue dress she was wearing complimented her doe-like brown eyes, and even though she tried to hide it with makeup, her tiredness radiated off her like heat from an oven. Despite this, she was as beautiful as ever. Just as beautiful as the last time Bucky saw her. “Peggy Carter. It’s been a while. Fifteen years, was it?”

 

“How have you been, Buck?”

 

“Don’t call me that.” He deadpanned.

 

“Why can’t I? Steve called you that.”

 

Bucky tensed up. He dug his nails into his palms so hard he drew blood. “Don’t talk about him.”

 

“Why not? Too sensitive? Is he why you’re now a drunk, barely living? Because I don’t think he wanted that for you.”

 

He grabbed her and pinned her against the wall of the house. “You have no  _ idea _ what Steve wanted. You didn’t know him.  _ I did. _ ” He let go of her, putting his head in his hands. “I did.”

 

He dragged his bleeding hands down his face. Peggy’s eyes widened. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”

 

She led him in the house and sat him on the couch as she fetched the first aid kit. She dipped a cotton swab in rubbing alcohol and dabbed lightly at his wounds. Bucky didn’t even wince, which showed how much pain he’s previously been through. Neither of them said anything for ten minutes before Peggy finally broke the silence. “I wasn’t joking earlier. How have you been?”

 

“How do you think I am? I’m assuming you noticed the empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table.” Bucky hissed. “And I know you aren’t here to just chat because if you were, it would’ve taken you less than  _ fifteen years _ to show up.”

 

Peggy finished bandaging his hands and quietly packed away the first aid kit, setting it on the table in front of him. “You’re right. I’m not on a social call. They want to bring you back in.”

 

Bucky rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. “They? Who’s they?”

 

“S.H.I.E.L.D. Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. An American intelligence agency I founded along with Colonel Phillips and Howard Stark.”

 

“Howard? How is he?”

 

“He’s doing well. He really misses you, you know. Talks about you all the time.”

 

“I miss him too. But, why do you need me? And… why now?”

 

“Please keep in mind that what I am about to tell you is beyond top secret and if you whisper a word of this to anyone I will not hesitate to kill you.”

 

Bucky sat up straight and saluted her, rolling his eyes. “Aye aye, Captain.”

 

“Thank you. Now, we understand that you worked with the Howling Commandos to bring down HYDRA. At the time, HYDRA was run by Johann Schmidt, also known as Red Skull. It was commonly believed that Schmidt worked in close capacity with Adolf Eichmann. I’m assuming you know who he is.”

 

“Nazi scum who massacred 6 million Jews. Escaped and was never punished for the lives he took. Yes, I’m familiar.”

 

“Perfect. The Mossad, the Israeli secret service, recently approached us and let us know that they know where Eichmann is hiding. They want to send a small team of agents to assassinate him.”

 

“That's great news, but what does that have to do with me?”

 

“Isser Harel, who is the  _ rosh hamossad,  _ personally requested you for this mission.”

 

“I’m sorry,  _ rosh hamo- _ what now?”

 

“ _ Rosh hamossad _ means head of the Mossad. Please try and keep up. Harel requested you personally to join their mission. He thinks that since you were so instrumental in bringing down Schmidt, you could help bring down Eichmann as well.”

 

“Well, damn, I never say no to kicking some Nazi ass. Let’s do this.” He stands up and walks towards the door.

 

“Wait. There’s more. I promised Phillips that if I bring you in on this, I’ll recruit you to S.H.I.E.L.D. as well. Meaning, if you do this mission, you stay for good. Are you up for that?”

 

“I think I’m ready to go back. As weird as it sounds, I miss that life. I would do anything to go back.”

 

Peggy stands up and reaches her hand out to Bucky. “Alright then, welcome to the team.”

 

Bucky grabs her hand, shaking it firmly. He smiled grimly. “I’m glad to be here.”


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky got out of the truck, looking out over Camp Lehigh. He remembers the stories Steve had told him about his time training there before the serum. Peggy came around from the other side of the truck and walked towards a bunker. “Come on, James, let’s go.”

On their way to the bunker, Peggy suddenly stopped, looking at the ground, tears pricking her eyes. “This is where Phillips and I knew Steve was the right one for the serum.”

“Why? What happened here?”

“I was leading the cadets in their exercises, and Phillips threw a fake grenade in the middle of them. Everyone ran away, except Steve. He jumped on the grenade. He would’ve sacrificed his life for men who didn’t even like him. It was the noblest thing I’ve seen anyone do.”

Bucky stared at the spot numbly. If Peggy had told him this years ago, he would’ve made a big fuss. He would’ve yelled about what a punk he was, and how he had a perverted death wish. But not anymore. Now, he just felt numb, which is how he always felt when he thought about Steve. “That sounds like something he’d do,” he mumbled to himself. 

Peggy took him gently by the arm and led him away. They stepped into the bunker and were instantly bombarded with people. 

“Agent Carter, here’s the op you need to sign off on.”

“Mrs, here’s your morning coffee.”

“Sergeant Barnes, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“It’s an honor, sir. You’re a hero.”

Bucky stayed quiet, overwhelmed by all the noise, as Peggy quickly took him into an empty conference room. “I’m sorry about that. I haven’t been in in a couple days. A lot of things to do.”

“No, it’s fine… it’s just been a while since I’ve been around this many people.”

“Colonel Phillips and Howard will be in shortly. Take a seat.”

He sat in the stiff, uncomfortable chair, which was not unlike his cheap one at home. It was five minutes before the men showed up. Phillips saluted Bucky as soon as he saw him, despite the fact Bucky was ranked below him. Bucky and Phillips worked closely together to take down Schmidt, and Phillips held him in high regard. “Please, Colonel, that’s hardly necessary.” They shook hands. “It’s good to see you, sir.”

“Yes, it is, Sergeant.”

Howard pushed in front of Phillips and gave Bucky a huge hug. He squeezed Bucky’s shoulders tight, and squeezed even tighter when Bucky tried to pull away. “It’s so good to see you, Bucky,” Howard mumbled into Bucky’s shoulder. 

“It’s good to see you too, Howard,” Bucky laughed. 

After Steve fell, Bucky and Howard grew extremely close while working together to bring down Schmidt. Their shared, great love of technology is what brought them together. They would spend night after night creating new kinds of tech to help defeat HYDRA. However, after they killed Schmidt, they went their separate ways. Howard went on to found the S.H.I.E.L.D., and Bucky went on to become an alcoholic with nothing to live for. Every once in a while, Bucky would pick up the phone and check in with Howard. He refused to visit, and didn’t want Howard visiting him either. Howard didn’t know why this was, but to be fair, neither did Bucky. He supposes he thought cutting out everything to do with Steve would help. But it didn’t, it just made it worse. He was extremely happy to see Howard again, suddenly realizing how much he missed him.

Howard let go of Bucky, and held his face in his hands. “Jesus, you look like shit.”

“You don’t look too bad yourself, kid.”

“Sorry to interrupt this love fest,” Peggy gestured to the table, “but we need to get started.”

The four of them sat down, and Phillips started briefing Bucky on what was to take place. “Son, did Peggy fill you in?”

“A little bit, sir. I know the Mossad have the location of Adolf Eichmann, and that the head of the Mossad personally requested me to join the mission because of my involvement in the mission bringing down Schmidt.”

“That’s basically the gist of it. Eichmann is hopes up in Buenos Aires, Argentina. About a year and a half ago, someone came forward saying he knew where he was. Harel sent agents to confirm, and they didn’t find him.Two days ago, someone came forward with new information, which proved beyond a doubt that the previous information was correct. Harel wants to jump on this opportunity. Along with you, there will be twelve other Mossad agents, all volunteers and all fantastic agents. The mission is set to take place next week, which only gives you a couple days to get back into shape. Are you up for it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Perfect. Go to the barracks and get your uniform on. It’s time to start your training.”


	4. Chapter 4

A week later, Bucky was sitting on a plane to Buenos Aires. He had spent all of his time at Camp Lehigh either getting in physical shape, learning Spanish, and reading about the Mossad. He couldn’t believe some of the missions they’ve accomplished. Hopefully, this would be another successful mission under their belt. The pilot came over the speakers and announced that they would land soon. Bucky stepped off the plane and was immediately met by a woman. 

 

“Hello, Sergeant Barnes, my name is Yehudith Nissiyahu. I’m here to take you to Isser Harel.”

 

“Well, by all means, lead the way. And please, call me Bucky.”

 

“Very nice to meet you, Bucky. Let’s get going.”

 

She took him to an apartment which was filled with about twenty agents. A slim-built, slightly balding man walked up to Bucky and Yehudith. “James Barnes? My name is Isser Harel. I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance.”

 

“And I, you. But, please, call me Bucky. I’ve been reading about you and the Mossad, and I must say, you do amazing things.”

 

“Thank you very much, Ja- Bucky. Welcome to the Castle. This is our home base, and as they say in Argentina: ‘mi casa es su casa,’” Harel chuckled. 

 

“I’m just grateful to be here, sir.”

 

“This is our base of operations,” Nissiyahu said. “But during the mission, you will take Eichmann to what we call ‘The Base’, which is closer to the house where Eichmann is living. He is going under the alias of Ricardo Klement.”

 

“Alright, everyone, let’s get this show on the road. You know what to do.” Harel directed Bucky to where four agents were compiling papers into briefcases. “Bucky, this is the team you will be joining to capture Eichmann. Meet Zvi Aharoni, Rafi Eitan, Moshe Tavor, and Zvi Malkin. You will be in the first car and will be the ones to grab Eichmann.” He pointed to three other agents across the room and said, “That’s Yaacov Gat, Avraham Shalom, and Doctor Yona Elian. They will be following you in a second car with instruments, drugs, and sedatives. Let’s pray to God that you won’t need them. If Eichmann doesn’t come by 8:00, abort mission, and go back to the Base.

 

Both teams got into their respective cars and drove to the extraction point, which was near the bus station next to the Klement house. Bucky’s team got there at 7:35 PM, five minutes before Eichmann was expected to arrive. Everyone got into position. Aharoni remained behind the wheel, with Tavor sitting in the passenger seat. Bucky and Malkin propped up the hood of the car, giving the appearance of car trouble, while Eitan was hiding inside the car, waiting to tackle Eichmann when he walked by. He 

 

They waited, and waited, and waited. 

 

Eichmann never showed up. The bus he normally rode stopped at the corner, and nobody got out. Two more buses stopped throughout the next twenty minutes, and Eichmann was still nowhere to be found. “It’s 8:00, let’s get back to the Castle,” Eitan piped up from the back seat.

 

“No. let’s give it until 8:30,” Eitan said. “If he doesn’t come by then, we’ll leave. I’ll be damned if we don’t wait just a little bit longer.”

 

“8:30 it is.”

 

Just five minutes later, a bus stopped at the corner. At first, all was silent and unmoving. Then, they saw a figure get off the bus. “Eichmann! Everyone get ready!”

 

Aharoni turned the headlights on as Eichmann walked closer. He was taken aback by the sudden light, but kept walking. As he walked past the car, Malkin spoke up. “Momentito, señor.”

Eichmann reached into a pocket. “He has a gun!” Malkin hissed. Even though it all happened within the course of thirty seconds, to Bucky, it felt like thirty years. It happened like clockwork. Malkin tackled Eichmann, throwing him to the ground. Bucky ran to Malkin’s aid, covering Eichmann’s mouth. Tavor lept from the back of the car and grabbed his arms. Together, they threw him in the back of the car. Aharoni started the car and drove away with paramount speed. Headlights shone from behind them. Bucky turned to see the second team following close behind them. 

 

They quickly tied his hands and feet, and replaced his glasses with opaque black ones. Eichmann stayed still and didn’t speak a word. Eitan slipped his hands under Eichmann’s clothes, searching for the two scars that would identify Eichmann without a doubt. He found them both. One under his left armpit, and one on the right side of his stomach. 

 

Both cars had to stop on account of there being a freight train roaring in front of them. Minutes felt like hours as they waited for the train to pass. Then, their waiting was over, and as Aharoni hit the gas, bullets flew threw the windows. Everyone ducked and Aharoni stepped on the gas, flying over the tracks. “Is everyone ok? Is anyone hit?” Bucky shouted over the sound of gunfire. Whoever was shooting at them was following them by motorcycle.

 

“Jesus  _ fuck _ , no. I’ve been shot.” Tavor yelled. “Lodged in my arm, but I’ll be alright.”

 

“Who  _ is _ this asshole?” Aharoni shouted.

 

Bucky grabbed the pistol from his ankle and rolled down the window, much to the chagrin of everyone else in the car. He received choruses of, “ _ Are you fucking crazy?’ _

 

“ _ What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get us killed?” _

 

_ “Roll up the goddamn window!” _

 

Bucky leaned out the window, and took aim at the person on the motorcycle. As he aimed, he got a glimpse of the man’s eyes. They were light green. So green it’s as they glowed in the night. He got a few shots in, one of them hitting the assassin’s shoulder. They flew off the motorcycle, rolling into the grass. Eitan grabbed Bucky by the jacket and pulled him into the car as Aharoni took a sharp left turn. “I did it, I shot him.”

 

“Well, damn, good for you. But next time, consult with us before you do something inherently stupid. What do you think he was trying to accomplish with that stunt?”

 

Bucky looked out the window. “Lord knows.”

 

They arrived at the base soon after the debacle, and ushered Eichmann inside. He was soon stripped searched and peppered with questions. Finally someone asked him, “What is your name?”

 

“Ricardo Klement.”

 

“Your name?”

 

“Otto Heninger.”

 

“Your name?”

 

“Adolf Eichmann.”

 

Silence.

 

“I am Adolf Eichmann.”

 

-

 

Harel was sitting in a cafe when he was approached by Aharoni and Bucky. “Sir, we’ve captured him. We have identified him and he has confessed to being Adolf Eichmann. We did it.”

 

“Were there any complications?”

 

Bucky and Aharoni shared a look before Aharoni broke the news. “A little bit. On our way to the Base, someone shot up our car. He wounded Tavor. Bucky got a couple good shots in. We have no idea who he was, but he was definitely skilled.”

 

“Well, shit. At least everyone made it out alive.”

 

The three men drove back to the Castle. “When is the extraction team coming?” Bucky asked. 

 

“This weekend is the celebration of Argentina’s one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of independence. Delegations from many different countries will be flying in, including Israel. They will arrive on the eighteenth. When they fly home at midnight on the twentieth, we will be going with them. Without anyone knowing, of course. The extraction team will be undercover on the plane as crew members. Among them, is Yehuda Carmel, one of our agents who looks remarkably like Eichmann. He will serve as Eichmann’s double, under the alias of Ze’ev Zichroni. They will then sneak Eichmann on the plane in Carmel’s place, under the pretense of being sick. We have a backup plan, but hopefully this will work. We just have to wait four days. That’s all.”

 

The next three days were absolutely brutal. You could cut through the tension and pure, genuine hate with a dull knife, and nothing was improving the longer they stayed. No one went near Eichmann. No one, except Aharoni, who interrogated him, spoke to him. May nineteenth finally arrived, and the Castle was stripped from top to bottom. They left no evidence of them being there, not so much as a crumb of food. Bucky could do nothing but marvel at their speed and efficiency. There was a reason why they were the most respected intelligence agency. They were amazing at what they do. A team of agents made up Eichmann to look more like Carmel, and Bucky was in awe of what a fantastic job they did. They put him in the flight crew uniform, then injected him with a drug that blurred his senses and kept him from being able to speak, but still allowed him to see, hear, and walk. Bucky’s team from the capture all donned crew uniforms as well, and set out for the airport. 

 

They arrived at the airport and were let through the gates to the plane. Harel showed up, and briefed the crew that weren’t Mossad on what was going on. He looked in the car, and saw Eichmann sleeping between Bucky and Eitan. “Good luck, boys.” The team, along with Eichmann stowed away in the plane. Harel, and all his men stationed throughout the airport, boarded through the airport and were all in their seats. As they were waiting to take off, the pilot came over the speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. There seems to have been a slight delay.”

 

Harel and his men internally panicked, praying that nothing was wrong. A few minute later, the plane took off, and everyone took a deep breath and relaxed. 

 

-

 

When they landed in Israel, they were greeted by Peggy, Howard, and Phillips. “Have you got him?” Phillips barked at Bucky.

 

“Yes, sir. We did it.”

 

Harel came up from behind Bucky. “Colonel Phillips? Isser Harel. I just want you to know that Bucky did a fantastic job. He makes a fantastic agent.”

 

“Yes, indeed.”

 

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go brief the prime minister.” He turned to Bucky and shook his hand. “It’s been a pleasure working with you.”

 

“Same to you, sir. It’s been an honor.”

 

Harel got into a nearby car and sped away. Peggy took Bucky by the arm. “Come on, let’s get you home.”


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky sat in his office, rethinking the events of his work with S.H.I.E.L.D. It has been exactly a year since his fateful team-up with the Mossad to capture Eichmann, and since then, his career had taken off. He was now a decorated field agent, who went on many a mission and saved thousands of lives. His eyes fell to the pictures on his desk. One was the picture of him and Steve and in front of the Stark Expo. The other was of him, Howard, and Peggy in the lobby of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. The organization that they created and loved with all their hearts. Over the past year, Bucky grew infinitely closer to Peggy and Howard. He considered them his best friends, and would take a bullet for either of them without hesitation. He knew they would do the same for him. Bucky was still extremely close with the team he joined to capture Eichmann. He called Yehudith almost daily, and Eitan always visited him whenever he was sent to D.C. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Howard ruffling his hair from behind. 

 

“Hey, buckaroo-”

 

“Don’t call me that again,” Bucky deadpanned.

 

“But it’s a play on words! Don’t you get it?  _ Buck- _ aroo?”

 

Bucky stayed silent, giving Howard the death glare. Peggy joined them and sat on Bucky’s desk.

 

“Peg! Just the person I wanted to see. Do you think Buckaroo is a good nickname for Bucky? Get it?  _ Buck _ -aroo?”

 

“That’s idiotic.”

 

“That is  _ exactly _ what I think,” Bucky agrees. “Why do we have to put up this moronic nonsense? We need to start ignoring him more often.”

 

“Yes. Maybe it’ll drain his ego a tad bit.”

 

“Drain his ego? Never. It’s impossible. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

 

“ _ Guys _ ! I’m right here, you know?”

 

“Bucky, do you hear something? I thought I heard a voice.”

 

“I heard it too. It’s probably just the pipes. We ought to have the plumber come out and take a look at them.”

 

“Good idea. I’ll put in a heat ticket.”

 

“ _ Guys _ !”

 

“Yes, Howard?” Bucky and Peggy said simultaneously.

 

“Colonel Phillips needs us. That’s what I was  _ trying _ to tell you guys before you started unnecessarily bullying me.”

 

“Alas, young Howard,” Bucky exclaimed, “it is completely necessary. Sucks to suck. Let’s roll, guys.”

 

The three of them made their way to Colonel Phillips’ office. Howard and Peggy took a seat, while Bucky stood behind them. “Agents,” Phillips’ addressed them, “we have a serious problem.”

 

“Whatever it is, sir, we can handle it,” Peggy assured him.

 

“This is a bit different from your normal mission, I’m afraid. It gets personal.” He made eye contact with Bucky. “Especially for you. But you three are my best agents, and this requires the best of the best.”

 

Phillips stood and readied a projector. “We received this tape an hour ago.”

 

The tape started playing, and Bucky’s heart dropped. Standing two feet in front of his eyes was Steve Rogers. His Stevie. It had been nineteen years since he has looked upon his face, and despite all the progress he had made, he could feel it all slip away the longer he looked. He barely acknowledged Howard as he wrapped his arm around his waist, and Peggy as she interlaced her fingers with his. As the shock wore off, he stopped looking at Steve’s face and started looking at his body. His jaw hit the floor as he saw what he was wearing. His regular red, white, and blue uniform was replaced with one of red and black, with HYDRA’s logo blazing on his chest instead of his iconic white star. 

 

“What’s going on?” Bucky whispered.

 

“Let me rewind it.” Phillips made his way towards the projector again. “This time,  _ listen. _ ”

 

He rewound the tape, and Bucky listened intensely, squeezing Peggy’s hand within an inch of it’s life.

 

“My name is Steve Rogers. Some may know me as Captain America. Not anymore. Now, I am Captain HYDRA. I have been working with HYDRA since the beginning, since the serum. With the help of the super serum flowing through my veins, I survived the fall. I have been on a number of missions to eliminate people who stand against HYDRA. It’s time for me to reveal myself for who I really am. Hail HYDRA.”

 

The tape finishes, and Bucky feels lightheaded. “That tape was sent to us along with this note.” 

 

He hands the note to Howard, who reads it aloud. “We will be releasing this tape in a week. Thought we should give you a heads up. From, HYDRA.”

 

Bucky sits down, unable to hold himself up anymore. “Oh, Stevie. What have they done to you,” he whispers.

 

Peggy’s voice trembled slightly as she asked, “So, he’s been with HYDRA since the beginning? I don’t believe it.”

 

“I don’t want to believe it, either,” Phillips admitted. “But the evidence is pretty damning.”

 

“Screw the evidence,” Howard pipes up. “Rogers would never work with HYDRA. He’s too damn righteous.”

 

“Nevertheless,” Phillips started. “We need to fi-”

 

“Steve said he went on missions to eliminate people who stood against HYDRA,” Bucky interrupted. “What if he’s the one who tried to kill us on the Eichmann mission?”

 

“Holy shit,” Peggy said softly. “I think you’re right. It definitely makes sense.”

 

“Well, we can’t do anything until the tape is released to the public. Our hands are tied. Go home. Get some rest. Peggy, come in, bright and early. 0600 hours. You’re released. James?”

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

“Take the week off. I need you at peak performance, and I can’t have you mopey. Don’t let me see you before then. And Howard? Take care of him. Don’t let him do anything stupid.”

 

_ How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.  _

 

“Thank you, sir,” Howard said. He lifted Bucky from his chair and led him out of Phillips’ office. “Come on, I’ll drive you to my apartment. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

 

Bucky nodded his head mindlessly as he followed Howard to his car.

 

-

 

“I need a drink,” Bucky said as they stopped at Howard’s apartment. 

 

Howard turned in his seat to face Bucky. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Buck. I mean-”

 

“-I need a drink.” Bucky gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. He had been doing so well. He hadn’t had a drink since Peggy recruited him. If there was any time to regress, he figured, it was now. 

 

“Fine. But don’t blame me when you feel like shit tomorrow morning.”

 

Bucky grunted and turned away from his friend. They drove to the bar just around the street. The two men sat down at the bar. “Whiskey, please. And whatever my friend wants.”

 

“I’ll just have a club soda, thank you.”

 

“Loser.”

 

“Hey, don’t call me loser. I’m the one who’s gonna have to drive your drunk ass home at three in the morning.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. You love me and you know it.”

 

“You’re lucky I do. What with all your constant bullying.”

 

“I do it out of love.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

That was the one thing Bucky loved most about Howard. No matter how shitty Bucky was feeling, he was always there to make him laugh and feel better. The bartender rematerialized with their drinks, and Bucky downed it like there was no tomorrow. “Keep ‘em coming.”

  
  


Two hours and six whiskeys later, Bucky was drunk off his ass, and flirting with everyone in sight. Howard was just about ready to kill him when a woman he barely recognized walked up to Bucky. “Bucky? It’s Yehudith.”

 

“Yehudith!” Bucky stumbled over to her and wrapped his arms around her. “What are y- what are you doing here?”

 

“Peggy called me. I was in New York and flew right over. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Yeah, well, I can’t do shit about it, so why not get drunk?”

 

Yehudith turned to Howard. “Do you mind leaving us for a minute? I need to talk to Bucky alone.”

 

“Of course. I’ll be outside.”

 

“What the fuck are you doing with yourself? You have been doing so well, yet as soon as something shitty happens, you lose all sense of self control? What’s with that? You’re one of the strongest people I know. Yes, your best friend died. It’s been almost twenty years.  _ Pull yourself together.” _

 

Bucky stared at her, tears coming to his eyes. He mumbled something just out of earshot.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I can’t! I can’t pull myself together! My best friend, the guy I was in love with for three quarters of my life,  _ died _ . Right in front of my eyes. And now, almost twenty years later, I find out he’s alive and was a HYDRA agent the whole time? Do you know what that feels like? That the person you loved more than yourself, more than  _ life,  _ is a goddamn Nazi traitor? That a year ago, he tried to kill you and your friends and you  _ shot him. _ No! You don’t! So stop giving me the ‘pull yourself together’ speech, because I have the right to mourn. I have the right to be upset.”

 

“You loved him?”

 

“Yes I fucking loved him. How couldn’t I? I thought he was perfect. Guess I was wrong about him. What the hell do I know?”

 

Yehudith stayed silent. Finally, she stood up, and took Bucky with her. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”

 

“ _ But I’m not finished yet _ ,” Bucky whined. “I still have the rest of the night to delve back into the world of alcoholism.”

 

“Definitely not. Let’s go.”


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky woke to Howard sitting next to his bed. “What are you still doing here?”

 

“Wanted to make sure you didn’t suffocate in your sleep. Supposedly it’s a common side effect of being drunk off your ass. You know, which is exactly what you were last night.”

 

Bucky grunted. “That explains this  _ wicked _ headache I have. I haven’t felt this way in years.”

 

“Well, first time back after so long is hard.”

 

Bucky sat up slowly. He felt as if he was living in molasses, he could barely move without his head feeling like it was being jackhammered. “Do you have the stuff for a hangover cure?” Howard asked.

 

“Well, seeing as I haven’t had a hangover in seventeen years, the answer is no.”

 

“Guess you’ll have to suffer then.” He stood, and turned to face Bucky. “I’ll go make us breakfast.”

 

Bucky grabbed Howard’s wrist. “Wait a second. Did yesterday… really happen? Everything with Steve, I mean.”

 

Howard sighed, and sat next to Bucky. “Yeah. It happened,” he said softly. 

 

Bucky let out a sob, and buried his head in Howard’s shoulder. Howard shifted closer, holding Bucky close to him. Bucky cried into his shoulder. “I loved him. I loved him so much,” he repeated over and over and over.

 

“I know, buddy. I know.”

 

-

 

Bucky walked into the lobby of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, fishing his ID out of his pocket. He handed it to the man behind the security desk. “James Barnes. Level 7 security clearance.”

 

The man scanned his ID. “Colonel Phillips told me that if you were to come in, to tell you he wanted to see you.”

 

“Aye, aye.”

 

He sauntered towards the elevator with fake confidence, shoving his hands in his pockets to mask their tremors. He made his way up to his floor, and entered Colonel Phillips’ office, jumping over the chair to sit down. “What’s up, sir?”

 

“Don’t pull that I’m-fine-look-at-me-I’m-smiley-and-confident look. I know it’s bullshit so don’t think you can pull one over on me.”

 

Bucky slumped, taking his hands out of his pockets, the light leaving his eyes. “Yes, sir,” he mumbled. 

 

“I thought I told you not to show your face for a week. Unless I’ve been in cryofreeze and sent four days ahead, you’re not allowed to be here.”

 

“I understand, sir. But… but you see, I want to watch it again.”

 

“You want to watch the video that destroyed your life and everything you’ve known… again?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“May I ask why?”

 

Silence. 

 

“I want to hate him. I want to hate him so bad for what he did, but my mind won’t let me. The more I watch that video, the more I rewrite my memories of him. The more I realize just how evil he actually was. The more I realize what he did to betray my country, and more importantly, what he did to betray me.”

 

Phillips stayed silent for what seemed like a century. “I’ll let you watch it on one condition. You watch it here in this building. I don’t want you taking this home and engaging in self-destructive behavior.”

 

“You have a deal.”

 

“You bet I do.” He reaches into a drawer and pulls out a cassette tape. “Not many people know about this still. We still have another four days before HYDRA releases it. So keep it very hush hush. Find an empty room on an empty floor. Peggy will help you with the projector, and she will stay with you while you watch it.”

 

They found an empty floor that was still under renovation, and set up the projector. Bucky grabbed two chairs and sat with the projector on his right and Peggy on his left. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it affirmingly, knowing he would need her strength to make it through this again. The tape started. 

 

“My name is Steve Rogers.”

 

Bucky let out a sob, and buried his head in Peggy’s shoulder.

 

“Some may know me as Captain America. Not anymore. Now, I am Captain HYDRA. I have been working with HYDRA since the beginning, since the serum.”

 

_ Traitor. _

 

“With the help of the super serum flowing through my veins, I survived the fall.”

 

_ I wish you hadn’t. _

 

“I have been on a number of missions to eliminate people who stand against HYDRA.”

 

_ You tried to kill me. Do you even know who I am anymore? _

 

“It’s time for me to reveal myself for who I really am.”

 

_ Do you even know who  _ you  _ are anymore? _

 

“Hail HYDRA.”

 

_ I hate you. _

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I hate you.  _

 

“I hate him.”

 

“Don’t say that, Bucky. You loved him more than life itself.”

 

He looked up at her, tears streaming down his face. “You… you knew?”

 

“Of course I did.”

 

“I know you two were… whatever you were. Does this bother you?”

 

She smiled sadly, knowing this conversation has been coming for a long time. “No, not in the slightest. I was happy with the time I had with Steve. But deep down, I knew his heart belonged to you. Just as your heart belongs to him” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. You’ll only feel worse.”

 

“Play it again,” he whispered.

 

“Please don’t do this to yourself.”

 

“I have to.”

 

She sighed. “I know you’re going to, whether I’m here or not, so I’m staying.”

 

“Thank you, Peg. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

-

 

Bucky locked himself inside S.H.I.E.L.D., keeping the video on repeat. He loved Steve less and less with each play. Four grueling days passed by, and lo and behold, HYDRA released the video of Steve. The public was shocked, and heavily grieved the man they thought they knew. Bucky finally left that lonely floor, and made his way to Phillips’ office.

 

“I want to hold a press conference.”

 

Phillips’ looked up from his files. “And why, pray tell, is that? I don’t need you going kamikaze.”

 

“I want the public to know that I had no idea about… anything. I’m sure people have been asking. Have they?”

 

“Yes, they have. I’m glad you’re sure about this. I’ll have it scheduled for this afternoon. The faster you get this over with and denounce any connection you had to Rogers, the faster we can move on.”

 

Bucky nodded. “Yes, sir.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, this is the last chapter i have finished:) expect slow updates after this i'll write whenever i have time:)

The flashes of the cameras caused Bucky to blink wildly. He hasn’t been in the spotlight this much since the war ended, and he wasn’t used to it. He stepped up to the podium, and looked at the script he prepared. 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, please settle down.” He waited for everyone to get quiet before he started. “My name is Sergeant James Barnes. I was a member of the Howling Commandos and I am currently an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. HYDRA sent us that video last week, along with a promise to release it, which they quite obviously did. I am here before you today to denounce any connection I had to Steve Rogers. I had no idea he was working for HYDRA. I swear it on my mother’s grave. I was as shocked as you all were about this. I thought he was my best friend. I thought I knew him. But I guess I never really did. I will now take questions.”

 

A whole flurry of reporters ran up to the podium, jamming microphones and notepads in his face. 

 

“How long did you know Steve Rogers?”

 

“How do you think he was recruited?”

 

“One at a time, please,” Bucky shouted. He pointed to a woman in the middle of the crowd. “You, miss.”

 

“You made it clear that you weren’t aware, but what about others who where close to him?”

 

“I can attest to the fact that the people closest to him: Howard Stark, Peggy Carter, Colonel Phillips, and the Howling Commandos had no knowledge of Steve’s allegiance with HYDRA. Next.”

 

“Where does S.H.I.E.L.D. think he is now?”

 

“As of now, we don’t know, but we have our top agents figuring it-.”

 

“Is it true you and Steve Rogers were romantically involved?” 

 

The room went silent, and all eyes turned to Bucky. 

 

“No,” he hissed venomously. “It is not true. And next time you ask a stupid question, make sure you check your facts.”

 

“I did check my facts. Multiple sources corroborated the fact that the two of you were often physically close, to the point of even sleeping in the same bed. How do you like my  _ facts,  _ Sergeant?”

 

“Steve and I often slept in the same bed because it was ten fucking degrees outside, and body warmth is often better than just a blanket. Nothing romantic about it. And the  _ facts _ are that Steve was romantically involved with Agent Peggy Carter, who, again, had no idea of his ties to HYDRA. This press conference is over. No more questions.”

 

He pushed his way past reporters and dashed to the elevators, closing the doors before they pounced on him like tigers. He pressed the button for his floor, and slid down to the floor, his head in his hands. 

 

-

 

_ The Howling Commandos set up camp on a mountain ridge somewhere undisclosed in northern Germany. They set up their communications tent first. As soon as they got their equipment up and running, Gabe sent a message to Peggy. Steve and Bucky were setting up the bedrolls in their tent when Gabe popped his head in.  _

 

_ “Peggy just replied to my message. She’s choppering in for the night to debrief us, then leaving tomorrow morning.” _

 

_ “Ok,” Steve acknowledged, “Let her know it’ll be a privilege to have her with us.”  _

 

_ “On it, Captain.” _

 

_ Steve smiled to himself as he unpacked his bag. “You excited to see your girl?” Bucky asked. “It’s been a few months.” _

 

_ “She’s not my girl, Buck. I wish she was.” _

 

_ Bucky’s heart sank. “Why don’t you tell her you want to be with her?” _

 

_ “This kind of life is too complicated. I’ll wait till we both get out of this war alive.” _

_ Bucky stayed silent for a minute. “Come on. Let’s get to sleep. We’re gonna have a long week ahead of us.” _

 

_ They lay down, and both fell asleep within minutes.  _

 

_ - _

 

_ “Good morning, James. Did you sleep well?” _

 

_ He opened his eyes, and realized he was no longer in his tent. Instead, he was in a laboratory, tied down to a table. “Let’s get started with today’s experiments,” the bodiless voice dictated.  _

 

_ “Steve!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “Steve! Where are you?” He futilely fought against his ties, wishing he could get out of his nightmare and back to Steve.  _

 

_ “Inject him with the new formula. Maybe this time he will comply.” _

 

_ A hand reached over with a syringe, and injected him with whatever formula HYDRA cooked up for him. “No! Get away from me! Stop this! Please!” _

 

_ - _

 

_ Steve woke to Bucky mumbling in his sleep, thrashing around restlessly.  _

 

_ “No! Get away from me! Stop this! Please!” _

 

_ Steve crawled next to Bucky, wrapping his arms around him. “Bucky, wake up. It’s Steve. I’m right here with you. I’m right here.” _

 

_ Slowly, but surely, Bucky calmed down. He relaxed, and leaned his head into the crook of Steve’s shoulder. “Stevie?” _

 

_ “I’m right here, Buck. I’m right here.” _

 

_ “Are you safe?” _

 

_ “Look at you. In the middle of a nightmare and you’re still worrying about me. How noble.” _

 

_ “Mhm.” _

 

_ “Go to sleep.” _

 

_ “Aye, aye captain.” _

 

_ “Hey, Stevie?” _

 

_ “Yeah?” _

 

_ “Can you stay with me?” _

 

_ “Till the end of the line.” _

 

_ - _

 

_ About four hours later, Union Jack went to meet Peggy’s chopper. “Hello, Jack. It’s nice to see you again,” Peggy said.  _

 

_ “Always a pleasure, Miss Carter.” _

 

_ “Do you know where I can find Steve?” _

 

_ “Yeah. He’s in his tent, asleep. We would’ve woken him up but he hasn’t slept this long in weeks. We’re letting him go for one night.” _

 

_ “Thank you. Where is his tent?” _

 

_ “Second on the right.” _

 

_ “Thank you.” _

 

_ Peggy walked over to Steve’s tent, and peeked inside. She saw Bucky and Steve, wrapped in each other’s arms, sleeping like rocks.  _

 

It is what it is, _ she thought,  _ it is what it is.

 

-

 

Bucky entered his office and shut the door, collapsing on his chair. He didn’t bother turning the lights on. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

 

“Holy  _ shit! _ ” Bucky jumped out of his chair. 

 

Yehudith flicked on the light. “You know me. Always loved a dramatic entrance.”

 

“Damn right, you do. What are you doing here?”

 

“I need to take you to Israel. Peggy and Howard may come if they wish.”

 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

 

“Steve.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll notice that one of the flashbacks i included in this chapter is a continuation of a flashback from an earlier chapter. you'll know which one i'm talking about. enjoy:)

_ A year earlier _

 

“That man in the car, the one who shot me… who was he?”

 

“That is none of your concern солдат.”

 

_ Soldier. _

 

“But I… I knew him.”

 

Silence.

 

“Wipe him again.”

 

-

 

_ Present day. _

 

Two hours later, the four of them were on a plane to Israel. Bucky tried bombarding Yehudith with questions. 

 

“What do you mean, Steve? What’s going on? Is he ali-”

 

“ _ Shut it _ .” She looks around. “They could be listening. Don’t speak of this until we get to Israel. Now tell me, how did the three of you manage to get away?”

 

“We told Phillips we’re checking out a potential lead of a HYDRA faction in France. No questions asked,” Peggy replied. 

 

Howard spoke up, “I’m still confused as to why we have to keep this from him.”

 

Yehudith gave Howard the death glare. “Jeesh. Sorry.”

 

Six hours later, they landed in Israel and drove to Mossad headquarters. When they got to the front desk, the lady there said, “Go right up, Agent Nissiyahu. Mr. Harel is waiting for you.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

They exited the elevator on the top floor, and entered Harel’s large office.

 

“Good afternoon. I trust you all made it here safely?”

 

“Yes, sir,” Peggy answered. “And if you don’t mind my asking: what are we doing here?”

 

“Ah yes, of course.” He stood up from behind his desk, and made his way to the door. “Follow me.”

 

They reentered the elevator, and Harel pushed the bottom for the level three basement. Bucky shook nervously, as he was getting impatient. If they knew something, anything, about Steve, he wanted to hear it right away. Sensing his nervousness, Peggy grabbed his hand, and lightly stroked the back of it with her thumb. He seemed to calm down, but his mind was still racing at a thousand miles a minute. They finally reached their destination, and walked into a laboratory teeming with people. There were large computers, all seeming to be analyzing something. They were all playing the same thing: Steve’s video. Bucky tensed, hoping for some good news. 

 

“Tavor!” Harel shouted. “Are you here somewhere?”

 

A voice piped up from somewhere in the middle of the room. “Here, sir.”

 

They followed his voice, and finally found him. He turned around, and when he saw Bucky, his face lit up. “Bucky!” He jumped out of his chair and pulled him into a tight hug.

 

“Tavor! It’s good to see you! I see you’re out of the field.”

 

“Yeah… getting shot was a wakeup call. I needed to be there for my family. I’ve been retired these past few years, but as soon as this came up, the higher-ups decided they needed my tech expertise.”

 

“Well, you’re the best of the best. We need you,” Harel commented.

 

“Indeed I am. So, Bucky, how are you holding up? I’m sure this has been pretty hard on you.”

 

“I’m… alive. And that’s as good as it gets right now.”

 

Tavor clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you, man.”

 

“Oh, Tavor. These are my friends: Peggy Carter and Howard Stark. They’re along for the ride.”

 

“Yeah, he can’t get rid of us. Stuck to his side like glue, we are,” Howard laughed.

 

“Alright, enough with the niceties,” Harel interrupted. “Let’s get down to business. Tavor, show us what you found.”

 

“Alright.” Tavor sits down in his chair, spinning around before coming to place facing the group. “Bucky, I want you to picture Steve. Can you do that?” Bucky nodded. “Now, describe him for me.”

 

“Straight blond hair, which is longer on the top. Crystal blue eyes-”

 

“Yes. His eyes. One of the first things that comes to your mind, yes? Now, watch the video.”

 

Tavor pressed play on the computer. The video started and Bucky grabbed Peggy’s hand again, and leaned his head into Howard’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. 

 

“My name is Steve Rogers. Some may know me as Captain America. Not anymore.” 

 

Howard nudged Bucky’s head off of his shoulder. “Look,” he said softly. Bucky opened his eyes, and stared at the screen.

 

“Now, I am Captain HYDRA. I have been working with HYDRA since the beginning, since the serum.”

 

Something felt… off. Bucky had watched this video hundreds of times over the past few days. Something was wrong, but he couldn’t figure out what. He shifted nervously, not taking his eyes off the video.

 

“With the help of the super serum flowing through my veins, I survived the fall. I have been on a number of missions to eliminate people who stand against HYDRA. It’s time for me to reveal myself for who I really am. Hail HYDRA.”

 

As the video ended, it paused. Then it hit him all at once. His eyes. His eyes were green.

 

“What’s going on?” he whispered. “What’s happening?”

 

Tavor turned back around to face them. “What you just watched was the undoctored video.”

 

“Undoctored?” Peggy asked. “What do you mean?”

 

“Someone edited it,” Howard said.

 

“Yes. In the original video, Steve’s eyes were green.” He clicked on a different tab. “Here is the video S.H.I.E.L.D. received.”

 

He pressed play, and lo and behold, his eyes were blue. The eyes that once provided comfort, safety, and assurance now made Bucky dizzy and unable to think.

 

“Who doctored it?” Peggy asked. “Can you tell?”

 

“No, and that makes you being here all the more dangerous.”

 

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Howard interjected. “You don’t think… S.H.I.E.L.D. had something to do with this… do you? Is that way we didn’t tell Phillips the truth?”

 

“We aren’t sure yet,” Yehudith said. “But we decided to err on the side of caution, and keep this a secret for now. Once we get more information, we can decide who to tell about this.”

 

“Bucky,” Howard said. “What are you thinking about?”

 

“What does this mean? Why are his eyes green? And why would S.H.I.E.L.D., or HYDRA, or whoever doctored it doctor it? What are they scared of us knowing?”

 

“Very good,” Harel mused. “Those are the questions on our minds as well. We are yet to obtain all the answers, but we have a couple theories we are entertaining.”

 

“Which theories?” Howard asked.

 

“Let’s go somewhere more private,” Yehudith suggested.

 

The six of them moved into an office just off the main room. Tavor locked the door behind them.

 

As they sat down, Harel gestured towards Bucky and said, “Describe Steve’s personality to us, please.”

 

“Traitor, lier, Nazi, scu-”

 

“-No. Don’t describe Steve now. Describe him before.”

 

“Before the serum or before the fall?” Howard interjected.

 

“I have a feeling they were the same,” Yehudith said, softly. 

 

Bucky took a deep breath. He spent such a long time trying to forget, trying to erase everything he knew of Steve. His Steve. He repressed every good memory he had of him, and changed them into something dark and twisted. Bringing back the best times of his life was one of the hardest things he had to do. Remembering Steve and the closeness they shared was akin to torture. But he had to do this. If there was a chance to save him, he had to. He opened the floodgates, and the memories flooded his brain.

 

“He was so… god, he was so perfect. I swear, I didn’t think he could do anything wrong. He couldn’t back down from a fight. If something was going wrong, he had to try and help. Goddamn righteous he was.”

 

_ - _

 

_ “What were you thinking, Steve? Those boys could’ve  _ killed  _ you-” _

 

_ “Buck. Hey, relax.” Steve walked up to Bucky and put his hand on his shoulder. “ What was I supposed to do?” _

 

_ Bucky stepped away, slapping Steve’s hand off. “You were supposed to let someone who won’t fall over with one little poke handle it!” _

 

_ “They were trying to… do things to her. That poor girl. They could’ve hurt her.” _

 

_ “That doesn’t mean you had to handle it! You could’ve called the police, or gotten someone else to-” _

 

_ “No, Buck, no! I was the only one around, and I was the only one who could help her!” _

 

_ Bucky was yelling now. “What would’ve happened, huh? If I hadn’t found you. It was three to one, and they were beating you the ever living shit out of you! They could’ve killed you!” Bucky was visibly shaking now, his breath deep and uneven. He collapsed on the couch. “I don’t know what I would do without you,” he confessed. _

 

_ Steve sat down next to Bucky, trying to comfort him. “Jesus fuck, Bucky. I didn’t know-” _

 

_ “You knew damn well what you were doing, and how I would react.” He took a pause. “And I know that you won’t stop, no matter how much I beg you. Just please… pick and choose. Please, for me. Try to get in less trouble than usual. I’m not always gonna be there at the right place right time to save your punk ass.” _

 

_ “You got it.” _

 

-

 

“He was tiny and weak as hell, but he had so much… life inside him. He was dealt all the wrong cards, but he did what he could and he soldiered on. He always was stronger than me.”

 

-

 

_ “I’m so sorry, James,” the nurse said to him.  _

 

_ “Sorry? What do you mean, sorry? What’s wrong with him?” _

 

_ “Steve… Steve has pneumonia.” _

 

_ Bucky’s heart stopped, and he stumbled back, as if the air was knocked out of his chest. The nurse stepped towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “He doesn’t have much longer. The best thing for you to do is not dwell on it.” _

 

_ Bucky twisted his way out of the nurse’s grip. “The hell with how much longer he has. He’s getting through this.” _

 

_ “James.”  _

 

_ Tears were starting to form in her eyes.  _

 

_ Tears were already streaming down his face.  _

 

_ “You should tell him,” she said softly. “It’d be better coming from you.” _

 

_ Bucky ran away from her, and ran towards home, the only place he ever truly felt safe.  _

 

_ He stopped in front of Steve’s hospital room, and took a deep breath, trying to muster the courage to go in. He finally opened the door, and saw Steve asleep. His tiny form, pale and sickly, yet so teeming with life. Bucky sat in the chair next to Steve’s bed, and took Steve’s right hand in his left. He held Steve’s hand so tight he was scared it would break.  _

 

_ “Hey, Stevie,” Bucky said, his voice breaking on the final syllable. “I know you’re asleep, but the nurse told me something I have to tell you. You got it, Stevie. Pneumonia, I mean. They say you don’t have much longer. But i don’t believe ‘em. You can get through this, I know you can. Do you know how I know? Because you’re Steve fucking Rogers, and there never was a fight you didn’t back down from. So don’t back down now. Please. Fight. For me. I need you to live, please. I wasn’t lying that one time, when I said I couldn’t live without you. So, please, just live.” _

 

_ Bucky stood up, in a moment of pure affection and boldness, and placed his right hand on Steve’s cheek, and kissed his forehead. A brush of lips on a feverish forehead. Bucky collapsed back in his chair, put his head on their entwined hands, and sobbed. Sobbed like a goddamned dame.  _

 

_ All of a sudden, Steve stirred. Bucky shot up, quickly letting go of Steve’s hand. Steve’s eyes opened, and when he saw Bucky, he smiled sadly. Steve put his right hand on Bucky’s cheek, just as Bucky had earlier. “Cryin’ over me? You shouldn’t have.” _

 

_ Bucky laughed, which quickly turned into another sob. He ducked his head in shame, not wanting Steve to see him so vulnerable. “It’s pneumonia, isn’t it?” _

 

_ Bucky sat up, fear in his eyes. “What are you talking about?” _

 

_ “It’s about time. I knew it was gonna happen eventually.” _

 

_ “Don’t leave me,” Bucky sobbed. “Please I’m beggin’ you. Please don’t go.” _

 

_ Steve tilted Bucky’s head up. “Buck, it’s ok.” _

 

_ “No it isn’t. No it isn’t.” _

 

_ “Come ‘ere, pal.” _

 

_ Steve scooted over in the bed, and Bucky crawled up next to him. Bucky cried into Steve’s shoulder, and Steve rubbed his arm lightly. Bucky pretended not to feel Steve’s tears falling onto Bucky’s head. He knew Steve wanted to stay strong for him. _

 

_ - _

 

“And beautiful… even before the serum. And not just on the outside. Every part of him, every fiber of his being was just… beautiful.”

 

-

 

_ Bucky woke to strong arms still wrapped around his waist, and legs still entwined. His head was buried in Steve’s shoulder, still there from the night before. He shifted slowly away from Steve, not wanting to wake him. _

 

_ He looked at the man lying in front of him, slowly etching his features into memory. It’s not like he hasn’t done this a thousand times. Stared at Steve like he hung the moon, like he was his entire world. Which he was. But this time felt different. It was the first time he’s been this close to Steve since the serum, and he was still getting used to it. He knew that even though his body was bigger and stronger, his insides were the same as they always were. He didn’t need a super serum to change him into a good man. He was one all by himself.  _

 

_ - _

 

_ “ _ People now always picture that time period as black and white, like in the old movies,” Bucky said. “When Steve was around, that’s what it felt like. Everything else could’ve been black and white, but I wouldn’t have noticed. He was the only color, the only brightness I knew. He was my sun, and he brightened up my world so much that I didn’t even notice he was a goddamned Nazi traitor. God, i was so stupid.”

 

“You loved him a lot, didn’t you?” Tavor asked.

 

“With everything I am,” he whispered.

 

“Do you mind telling us those theories now?” Howard asked. 

 

“We think HYDRA brainwashed Steve.”

 

“Brainwashed?” Peggy asked. “Brainwashed how?”

 

“We aren’t sure. We don’t have enough information yet.”

 

“Wait, I’m confused,” interjected Bucky. “If Steve was brainwashed, what does that have to do with his eye color?”

 

“That is exactly our question. We have some of our top agents,” Tavor said, gesturing to Bucky, “the ones who went on the Eichmann mission with you, out undercover looking for leads. They should be getting back to us soon.”

 

Ever the sensible one, Peggy asked, “Who are we allowed to let in on this? I’m sure Colonel Phillips would like to-”

 

“-No,” Harel interjected. “For now, until we know who to trust, we keep this between the people in this room.”

 

“Sir, I would like to go out in the field and search for Steve myself,” Bucky said. “If he’s really been brainwashed, and doesn’t know what he’s doing, I should be the one to bring him in.”

 

“I agree. I think you have the best chance of finding him,” Yehudith agreed. “I can accompany you, if need be.”

 

“No, I have to go it alone. There’s a better chance of bringing him in if it’s just me.”

 

“Better chance he can kill you, you mean,” Peggy said. “If he really is the deadliest assassin in the world, he’s going to be hard to find and bring in. This isn't a one man job. I should go with you. Steve knows me too, so maybe-”

 

“And what would Phillips think if the both of you suddenly disappeared?” Howard asked.

 

Peggy and Bucky fell silent.

 

“Exactly. Here’s what I propose: Bucky ‘takes time off and visits Israel.’ It’s not like he hasn’t done it before. Phillips even recommended you take time off. It’s perfect. Peggy and I will go back to S.H.I.E.L.D. and make sure that wherever Bucky goes, there won’t be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent there to recognize him and report him to Phillips.”

 

“That actually makes sense,” Tavor said. “We can also monitor Bucky from here, and keep a Mossad agent on his trail to make sure he’s safe. Someone we trust obviously. They’ll know that if Steve is spotted, Bucky has to deal with it alone.”

 

“As much as I don’t like Bucky going alone,” Howard admitted, shifting in his seat, ”at least he’ll have an agent trailing him.”

 

“Better than nothing, I suppose,” Peggy conceded. 

 

“Alright team,” Howard said, standing up. “Hands in.”

 

Bucky and Peggy laughed, and rolled their eyes.  _ Why not indulge him _ , they thought. The rest of the group followed suit, and put their hands in the middle.

 

“1, 2, 3, Save Steve!”

 


	9. Chapter 9

“Cолдат.”

 

_ Soldier. _

 

A face looked in on him from outside the cryofreeze chamber.

 

”Bставай.”

 

_ Get up. _

 

The chamber opened, and two men dragged him to a chair.

“You have a mission in Bucharest. Your target: this man.”

 

They opened a file and showed him a picture. Striking blue eyes stared at him from the paper. The man was vaguely recognizable, as if he’d seen him in a dream. 

 

“Cолдат?”

 

“Готовы соблюдать.”

 

_ Ready to comply. _

 

-

 

Bucky had been in Bucharest for two days. He was following up on a lead. Some woman said she saw a blonde man with striking green eyes walk into an empty building. It had to be Steve. He’d been on his trail for a two weeks, and he was starting to run out of “vacation time.” But he felt it in his gut. Steve was here. His Steve-dar was never wrong. It helped Bucky find him when he was getting beat up in some back alley, and it was helping him now.

 

He approached the woman who claimed to have seen Steve. “Do you speak English?” Bucky asked.

 

“Little. I try.”

 

“Thank you. You saw blonde man?”

 

“Yes. Very handsome.”

 

Bucky smiled. “Yes. Yes he is. Where did he go?”

 

“He go in that building three day ago. Not seen him leave.”

 

He gave her 106 Leu, which was equal to about 25 American dollars. Her eyes widen with surprise and gratefulness, and she eagerly took the money from him. “Thank you much. Much. much. Very grateful.”

 

“My pleasure.”

 

She clasped his hands in hers. “God bless you.”

 

“And you as well.”

 

She ran off, and Bucky made his way to the sunglasses stand across the street. While pretending to look for glasses, he talked to the man next to him, who happened to be the Mossad agent currently trailing him. “The woman said he entered that building three days ago and never saw him leave. He could’ve exited without her seeing, but I’m checking just in case. Don’t follow me, but keep close by. I got this.

 

“Good luck, sir. I hope it’s him.”

 

“You and me both, pal.”

 

Bucky put down the pair of sunglasses he was holding and walked casually towards the building.

 

 _“Spy 101,”_ _Peggy told him._ “ _Running looks suspicious. If you don’t want to be noticed, walk.”_

 

_ “But what if I’m being chased?” Bucky asked snarkily. _

 

_ “Then you run, you dumbass.” _

 

_ “Noted.” _

 

The only entrance in the front of the building was locked, so Bucky had to discreetly pick it. He finally did it, and entered, checking behind him to see if anyone was watching him. 

 

No one. Safe. 

 

Bucky took out his gun and a flashlight, holding one in each hand. He swept the entire bottom floor. No sign of Steve. He slowly made his way up the stairs. As soon as he got to the top of the stairs, a man tackled him from the side, knocking Bucky’s gun and flashlight away from him. They wrestled on the floor for a minute, before Bucky kicked Steve in the face, and leapt for his gun. Steve pulled him back by his hair, and dragged Bucky to his feet. He let go of Bucky’s hair, and pushed him against the railing of the stairs, pulling a knife from one of many sheaths hidden in his suit. He swung the knife at Bucky, who ducked and rolled away from him. Steve kept swinging at him, and Bucky kept blocking him.

 

As they were fighting, Bucky admired Steve’s efficiency. The way he moved, and the way he so effortlessly fought was breathtaking. What they must’ve done to make him this way made Bucky want to curl in a ball and cry, so he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.

 

Finally, Steve hesitated, and Bucky flipped him to the ground, pinning him down with all his strength. Steve struggled against him, but for some odd reason, Bucky was keeping him down.

 

“Look at me,” Bucky commanded. “Steve, please.”

 

“My name is not Steve.”

 

“ _ Your name _ is Steven Grant Rogers. The world knows you as Captain America. I just know you as the punk from Brooklyn who couldn’t back down from a fight.”

 

“ _ No! _ ” Steve screamed. “ _ Stop! _ ”

 

As much as Bucky hated hearing Steve in pain, he held him even tighter, and kept talking. “Your name is Steven Grant Rogers. You are an artist. You loved drawing the Brooklyn bridge, the sunset, and me.”

 

“ _ Please stop! I can’t do this, please. _ ”

 

“Your name is Steven Grant Rogers. My name is James Buchanan Barnes. You are my best friend. We are inseparable. And if you don’t remember that, I might as well die right now because I don’t want to live in a world without you right next to me. I did it for too long, and now that I have you, I’m not letting go. Ever. Again. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal. I hope you know that.”

 

Steve relaxed. His eyes met Bucky’s for the first time in years. “End… end of the line?”

 

“Yeah, buddy,” Bucky said. “The end of the line.”

 

All of a sudden, Steve jumped up, pushing Bucky off him. He grabbed Bucky’s throat, and pinned him against a wall. “Don’t insult me with those  _ lies _ ever again.”

 

Bucky didn’t fight it, tears flowing down his face.  _ If I had to go _ , Bucky thought,  _ dying by the hands of the one I love wouldn’t be so bad, would it?  _ He closed his eyes, ready to submit to death.

 

Then he heard a loud bang, and was dropped to the floor, coughing up a storm. He looked up to see his tail holding a lead pipe. The man shrugged. “Huh. Guess a lead pipe works on super soldiers too.”

 

“Get a chopper and a doctor,” Bucky ordered, his voice raspy and damaged. “We need to keep him heavily sedated until we reach HQ. And call Harel. Tell him the flag was recovered.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heehee


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... succinylcholine (which is used in this chapter) is a drug that paralyzes all the muscles in the body, which obviously includes the muscles used to produce speech, so lets just pretend that it paralyzes from the neck down, and doesn't affect the head and therefore doesn't affect speech. it also only lasts for three to five minutes, so lets aLso pretend that it lasts longer. thx

 

“Good afternoon, Captain Rogers,” a bodiless voice said calmly. He tried opening his eyes, but a bright light was shining, and he shut them as to block it out. 

 

“Open your eyes, Captain,” the voice said again.

 

“It’s- it’s too bright. I can’t.”

 

The light dimmed at his command. “How about now?” the voice asked.

 

He opened his eyes tentatively, and a short man entered his field of vision. “Do you know who I am?”

 

“You’re Zola. The asshat who tortured Bu-”

 

His words turned to screams as he felt shocks run through his body.

 

“Wrong answer. I am your  _ savior _ . Let’s try a different one. Do you where you are?”

 

“HYDRA facility, probably in Germany.”

 

Shocked again. The voltage was higher he noticed; he gritted his teeth, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of hearing him scream again.

 

“Again with the wrong answers. This is a trend I don’t think you want to continue. Let’s try again. Who are you?”

 

“Steve Rogers. Captain America. Bucky Barnes’ best friend. Arti-”

 

He couldn’t stop the screams that were torn from his voice box this time. The shocks wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he pleaded. “Turn it  _ off! _ Please! I’m begging you, please!”

 

The electricity subsided, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up against Bucky’s shoulder and fall asleep. But Bucky was gone. An unattainable goal, someone he couldn’t reach. As much as he despised being with HYDRA, he was glad it was him and not Bucky. 

 

“We’ll try one more before we finish for the day. Are you ready to comply?”

 

“Never, you spineless bitch.”

 

“Turn it higher.”

 

“ _ No! Please, I’m begging you, stop. I can’t do it anymore. It hu- it hurts so bad.” _

 

“Steve? Steve wake up.”

 

“Please!” he screamed. “Just make it stop.”

 

“Steve!”

 

-

 

Steve opened his eyes, and immediately panicked. “Why can’t I- why can’t I move?”

 

Bucky, who was the one to shake him awake, said, “Succinylcholine. Paralysis-inducing drug, effective from the neck down. Didn’t want you waking up and… you know… killing everyone. Were you having a nightmare?”

 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

 

“That’s fine. How are you feeling? Calm? Murderey?”

 

“Not… murderey. But not calm either. Why does my head hurt?”

 

“You took a hit to the head with a lead pipe.”

 

“Cognitive recalibration.”

 

“I guess so. Does that counteract… whatever they did to you?”

 

“Not sure. It’s never happened before.”

 

Steve was suddenly thrust into a past memory. 

 

-

 

”Cолдат.” He received a whip across his back, and fell to his knees. “What did I tell you? Try again.”

 

He stood, and faced the man standing across the room from him.

 

“Начать”

 

Begin.

 

The man ran towards him, and knocked him to the ground. The man kept trying to punch his face, or anywhere on his head, but he kept dodging. Finally, he saw an opportunity, and flipped himself on top of the man.

 

“Ha! I got you now!”

 

Using his hesitation, the man flipped over him again and punched him in the face, causing blood to stream from his nose.

 

“Стоп.” 

 

Stop. 

 

The man got off him, and he stood up, only to fall back to his knees as a result of being whipped again. “What did I tell you, cолдат? Protect your head. If they damage your head, everything will be lost. All the good things we’re teaching you.” He was whipped again. “All the ways we’re fixing you.” Whipped again. “All the ways you’re going to fix them, the outside world.” And again. “Do you really want to lose all that?”

 

He stayed silent. 

 

“I said.” And again.  “Do you really want to lose all that?”

 

“Нет,” he whispered.

 

And again. “Speak up when I talk to you, cолдат.”

 

“Нет,” he said firmly

 

No.

 

“Good.”

 

-

 

“Steve? Are you ok? What happened?”

 

“Memory,” Steve whispered. “At least, I think it was.”

 

Tears formed in Bucky’s eyes. “You don’t know what’s real?” 

 

“Some things, yes. Some are… hazy. But that was definitely real.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“If it’s about HYDRA, it’s most likely real. They didn’t want me to forget my training. They always told me to protect my head. I get why now. I guess it undoes whatever they did to fuck with my brain.”

 

Bucky sat in awe of the man in front of him. He wanted to touch Steve so bad, but he didn’t want him to freak out. The tears that were forming in Bucky’s eyes were now falling freely down his face. “Jesus god, I thought I lost you forever. I was a goddamn mess, Stevie. Please tell me you remember me, please.”

 

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. We were best friends for-”

 

“No, not the shit I told you when we were fighting. I mean the real us. All the memories from the war and before it.”

 

“Snippets. A shitty apartment, an easel with drawings pinned all around it. A tent, with two cots pushed together.”

 

“Is that all?”

 

“HYDRA… they wiped my memory after each mission. Getting hit over the head must’ve dislodged some old memories.”

 

“What’s the most vivid one you have? Memory, I mean.”

 

Steve closed his eyes. “Our tent. We were stationed somewhere in northern Germany, and it was cold as shit. You were having… some kind of nightmare. I woke you up, and then we slept in the same bed. Did we… do that often?”

 

_ Not as often as I would’ve liked, _ Bucky thought. “No, not often.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I can’t believe you remember that,” Bucky said softly.

 

“It’s one of the only full things I  _ can  _ remember.”

 

Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. He lightly placed his hand over Steve’s. “We’ll get through this, bud. I know we will.”

 

“I don’t know if-”

 

“Sergeant Barnes?” an agent called from the door. “Harel wants you in his office immediately.”

 

“Fine.” He turned to Steve. “I’ll be back.”

 

Steve stayed silent, staring across the room. He seemed… scared. Scared of what, Bucky didn’t know. All he wanted was to help him through it. Bucky patted his hand softly, and left the room. Wanting to avoid conversation, he ran six flights of stairs from the hospital to Harel’s office. Howard and Peggy were already in there, they must’ve flown in from D.C. just for this meeting.  _ Must be important,  _ Bucky thought. Bucky sat in between them. “What excuse’d you give Phillips?”

 

“Visiting you. Why lie?” Howard put his hand on his shoulder. “How is he, buddy?”

 

“Not murderey, as he so put it. Don’t know how long it’ll last though.”

 

“That’s why I called you all here, actually,” Harel said. “We might have found how Captain Rogers was brainwashed.”

 

“Seriously?” Peggy asked. “That easily? I mean, it’s only been two days since we found Steve.”

 

“They must be desperate,” Howard said. “Rushing to cover their tracks now that they know we have Steve.”

 

“That’s how we got them. Our agents intercepted a shipment from northern Siberia. Want to know what they found? A gold  _ scepter _ .”

 


	11. Chapter 11

“A scepter?”

 

“You heard me. A gold scepter with some kind of glowing, blue orb at the top. Where they got it from, beats me. It’ll arrive here tomorrow morning.”

 

“Holy shit,” Howard whispered. “Do we know how it was used to brainwash Steve?”

 

“Not yet. We’ll have our experts analyze it tomorrow.”

 

“Now that we’re all here, can we talk about Phillips?” Peggy suggested.

 

“Yes, I was meaning to bring that up,” Harel said. “We should wait until we’re sure Captain Rogers is safe from HYDRA until we let  _ anyone  _ in on this, and that includes Phillips. You never know who’s in who’s pocket. We need to take all the necessary precautions.”

 

“Yes, sir,” they said simultaneously. 

 

“Bucky? I think you should stay with us. You know Rogers best and in my honest opinion, he needs you. How much leave do you have left?”

 

“About a month.”

 

“Perfect. Peggy, you and Howard go back to S.H.I.E.L.D. and resume what you have been doing. Running interference. I’ll have agents debriefing you whenever we have a breakthrough.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“You two are dismissed. Bucky, stay.”

 

Howard and Peggy got up to leave. “We’ll see you downstairs, Bucky.” Peggy smiled at him reassuringly.

 

“What do you need to talk to me about, sir?”

 

“I want to be sure you know what we’re getting into here.”

 

“I’m aware.”

 

“Are you? Do you know what it’s like to brainwashed? Thankfully, neither of us have had the pleasure. And do you know what’s worse than being brainwashed? Recovering from it. You don’t know who you are, who anyone else is. And judging from his physical state, they constantly put him through the ringer. That makes it even worse. It could take him years to get over this, to break from the habits he’s had for the past sixteen-odd years.”

 

Bucky choked back his tears. “Why are you telling me this?”

 

“Because you need to know how much he needs you. He might have a couple memories, but that doesn’t mean he knows what they mean. You’re unfamiliar to him. He knows who you are, but he doesn’t  _ know  _ you. He’s going to push you away. You need to hold on. In the end, you’re the only one who can save him.”

 

“How can I save him when I was the one who damned him in the first place?”

 

“You mean the train?” Harel asked.

 

Bucky winced, staying silent.

 

“Don’t start with that self-deprecating bullshit. Yes. He fell. Doesn’t mean you damned him. Doesn’t mean you can’t save him. Now get out of here before I kick you. I’ll let you know when  the scepter arrives.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Bucky went back downstairs to Steve’s hospital room, and sat by his bed. Steve was sleeping peacefully, which brought Bucky back to the 1940s, when the only time Bucky could openly love Steve is when he was asleep. He remembers sitting next to Steve’s hospital bed, praying to the heavens above that he would survive this bout of pneumonia. Lying there, nearly 20 years after Steve’s last battle with pneumonia, he looked almost the same as he had back then. So fragile… so weak, despite him being twice his previous size. 

 

He didn’t know how long he sat there watching Steve sleep, but eventually, Peggy came into the room, and pulled a chair next to him.

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked softly.

 

“Well, he’s asleep. The sedative he was given was pretty stro-”

 

“No, Bucky. I’m asking about  _ you. _ ”

 

“Oh… I’m alive. That’s as good as it gets right now.”

 

“Who says that’s as good as it has to get?”

 

“Literally everything that has ever happened to me ever.”

 

“You mean falling in love with your best friend who was captured and brainwashed by Nazis and now barely remembers you?”

 

“Yeah that.”

 

“Definitely sucks.”

 

“Yeah, definitely.”

 

“Hey, Peg?” Bucky said. “What do you think would’ve happened if Steve hadn’t fell?”

 

“Lord have mercy, I have no idea.”

 

“You think he would’ve married you?” Bucky asked.

 

“Yes, I do,” she admitted.

 

“How long have you known?”

 

“That night I visited the Commando’s camp in Northern Germany. I saw you two together in your tent, asleep. I had a feeling something was going on before that, and that night I understood. You can’t live without each other.”

 

Bucky choked out a sob. “I don’t think that’s true anymore.”

 

“It’s true now more than ever, I think.” Peggy took his hand, and gripped it tight. “You are the only one who can help him now.”

 

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Bucky grumbled.

 

“Because it’s true. This is just a new obstacle for you two face.”

 

“Pretty fucking big obstacle, if you ask me.”

 

“That’s why I didn’t ask you,” Peggy chuckled. “It’s time for me to step out of the picture. As much as I loved him, there’s no way I can give him what you give him.”

 

“How do you know he even wants me? Before he fell he was in love with you, and-”

 

“Are you sure about that? That he was in love with me? How did you know?”

 

Bucky deflected the question. “I could ask you the same thing.”

 

Peggy smiled. “You first.”

 

“Fine. It’s the way he looked at you. Like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You were perfect. It was only a matter of time before he left me.”

 

“Ah, see, that’s where you’re wrong. Did he love me? Well, only he can answer that. But I do know one thing. He was blinded by what he thought he was supposed to want. He looked at me, and he saw the safety, security, and normalcy that a life with me offered. It was when he looked at you that I saw love in his eyes. Neither of you knew it at the time, but now you have your chance.”

 

“But how do you know that he wants me?” Bucky whispered. 

 

“It’s who he is. It’s written in the stars. Steve Rogers will always love Bucky Barnes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol


End file.
